Being a fat person, rollercoasters have always been a trigger for me.
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Back when I was 15, I went to an amusement park because I loved rides. The adventure, the excitement, the thrills. I loved it all. Well, maybe not the standing in line for hours but everything else….yes please!
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I remember this day like it was yesterday. It was one of those traumatic core memories.
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I went to get on the Mean Streak, a wonderful wooden coaster, I sit down and, to my utter shock, I didn’t fit into the seat.
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I could not, with any amount of wiggle or jiggle, fit my body into the seat. I contorted my body so that I was basically sideways but then couldn’t get the seatbelt to buckle. The safety inspector came by to make sure I was securely in my seat and told me I had to leave the ride. If I couldn’t fit in the seat, I had to go. I insisted I would be OK, I pleaded that I would hold on, I begged in telling him that it was fine, I could ride the ride. He insisted I leave as to not further delay the ride.
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Ensue the dreaded walk of shame. As everyone watched, as everyone knew why I was leaving the ride, I stepped out of the car and took the lonely walk to the exit. Just as I started crying.
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As my friends rode the ride, I found a tree to sit under and sobbed, deep guttural sobs. That’s when the negative talk in my head went into overdrive.
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It sounded something like this: Why are you so pathetic? Why are you so fat? Why can’t you be better? Gosh, you’re ugly. Why can’t you get your act together and lose weight? You’re so stupid. You should be able to get thin. This is why you don’t put yourself out in the world: this rejection is brutal. This public shame is unbearable. Everyone will leave you behind. Fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic, pitiful, PIG. You disgust me.
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It was all my fault. More definitively: it was my body’s fault.
Certainly, my body was the problem.
I chastised myself. I degraded myself. I hated myself.
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My day was over. I couldn’t go on. I didn’t dare try to get on another ride and this happen again. Nope, not putting myself thru that one more time.
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I cried the rest of the day.
I berated myself for weeks, months.
I spoke so negatively about myself and the way I looked that I can’t even imagine a single positive thought entering my mind at that time.
I didn’t eat anything for 5 days.
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Hoping to make myself smaller for the world. Hoping that changing my body would prevent this from ever happening again.
Because in my eyes, my body was the problem. My body created this problem.
Everything about me was wrong, I felt terrible.
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Fast forward a number *ahem* of years and it happened again. This time in front of my nieces during this Christmas.
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We went to an amusement park for kids, my youngest niece loves it there, so I never miss an opportunity to take her. She wanted to ride the roller coaster. One that adults can fit onto as well. While standing in line, I asked one of the workers if I was ok to ride this ride. He confirmed yes.
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The doors open and I stepped onto the ride, a little fear entered my mind. The seatbelt fit. Phew.
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But then the security worker came around and pulled the overhead bar down. She pushed down and it wouldn’t click shut.
She asked me to sit up straighter. I did.
She pushed down again, and it wouldn’t click shut.
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She put her whole weight into pushing the bar down, so hard I thought she was going to break my hips.
I said, “I can just get off.”
She pushed down even harder. I said again “I can get off the ride.”
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For the second time in my life, I did a rollercoaster walk of shame.
I grabbed my shoes from the cubby holes and walked off the ride.
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I was disappointed because I wanted to take that 20 second ride with my nieces.
I was disappointed because I love to see joy and excitement on their faces.
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What I wasn’t disappointed in: MYSELF.
I wasn’t mad at my body.
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This time around: What I didn’t do?
I didn’t cry.
I didn’t blame and shame my body for this.
I didn’t say one negative thing about my body, or the way I look.
I didn’t say I needed to lose weight.
I didn’t say I wasn’t going to get on another ride.
I didn’t run away.
I didn’t stop enjoying myself.
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My body wasn’t the problem.
The roller coaster was the problem.
Let me repeat: My body was not the problem. My body was never the problem.
There was nothing for me to fix about myself, nothing to berate myself for, because I was not the problem in this situation.
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My nieces got off the ride, I greeted them with hugs and laughs.
And, I got on the next ride with a smile on my face!!
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They never once heard me say anything bad about myself. All they heard was that the bar of the ride couldn’t come down all the way. I didn’t say it was because of my size, I didn’t say I was too big, nothing about ME caused me to walk off the ride.
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I showed those young girls how it’s done.
This photo was taken about 5 minutes after this experience.
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It was great to have the evidence of the confidence shift in my life. It was amazing to have an experience like this to show me how much I have grown the relationship with my body. These experiences don’t define me, they give me opportunities for growth.
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These things in life no longer shake me, they no longer have the power to me feel bad about myself. Yes, they are disappointing, but for far different reasons than they once were. They certainly don’t bother me nor control my life, the way I feel about myself or my thoughts and actions.
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In order to make a shift in my confidence, to develop deep self love, and to have unashamed respect for myself, I had to shift th
e way I thought about these experiences in my life. I had to change the thinking that I am the problem, that my body was always at fault.
e way I thought about these experiences in my life. I had to change the thinking that I am the problem, that my body was always at fault.
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It is this work that has lead me to this place. A place of remarkable love and respect, a place of peace and comfort, a place of unstoppable confidence.
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If you want this kind of confidence and love for yourself, I encourage you, from the depths of my soul, to enroll in my Self Confidence Course:
It has changed my life, it can for you too!
