::SELF LOVE::

 A recent post of my journal….

To my body, to myself, I must apologize.

I don’t even know where to begin.  For so long, I have only seen you as a problem that needed to be fixed, that every time I failed, I’d “just let myself go.”  Never once looking at you with kindness – it was quite the opposite, just raw anger, disappointment and despair for how you looked.  With constant thoughts of, “How could my body possibly betray me, I am in control and I will warp you into the mold that I want.” 

The only place to start is by saying I’m sorry. 

 *

I’m sorry for always telling you that how you looked was wrong and that you needed to be fixed. When I look back, I see now that you needed healing, not fixing.  Healing from a mindset that only looked down upon you, that constantly beat you up, healing from never feeling like you were right or that you wouldn’t fit in.  More healing.  No fixing. 

*

I’m sorry for always thinking you were wrong.   I never saw what was right and good about you.  Let’s admit it, looking at you fully without turning away was a rare occurrence.  During those few times I could look at you, I would only focus on the things I thought were my problem areas, “how does that outfit make my stomach look?” “Does this make me look thinner?”  “Are my arms showing?”  I couldn’t see what was RIGHT, I couldn’t see you standing in front of me.  I only saw you as wrong. 

*

I’m sorry for always blaming you when something didn’t go my way.  Everything came back to you, even when it had nothing to do with you.  “If you were thinner, people would like you more.” “If you lost weight, you would have been married by now.”  “Drop those 40 pounds you’ve gained, and you can go to the beach again.”  It was always your fault. 

*

I’m sorry for belittling and berating you every chance I got.   It never ended.  Whether my legs were too big, my boobs sagged too much, my cellulite was overwhelming, pinching my fat, pulling and tugging at everything I hated.  There was nothing good to be found in you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t see all the value that existed within you.

 *

I’m sorry for all the things I thought but never said out loud, for those things were far too nasty to even speak into the world.  But you already felt what I was saying.  I didn’t need to speak it out loud for it to have an impact on you.  Just a little shake of the head was enough disgust for you to know how badly I felt about you, no words ever needed. 

*

I’m sorry for standing in front of the mirror and speaking with such vitriol in your direction.  The mirror only showed me the disappointment I felt, for it was staring right back at me, with such a heavy heart, I would spout off hate that I am still recovering from.  I never realized that the mirror could offer me a warm and welcoming reflection. 

*

I’m sorry for not seeing you for what you are.  I only paid attention to what you didn’t have, for all that you lacked, for the wrong way you looked.  I only noticed things I wanted to change, not recognizing what you were.  How could I ever accept you if all I wanted to do was alter the way you looked?  You were the part of me that constantly faced rejection, that never met a kind word from me, you always heard that you need to be better and look different.  I’m sorry. 

*

I’m sorry for always thinking the worst of you.  What positivity could be found when I was beating you down left and right?  Everything about you was always the worst it could possibly be, that you were the most disgusting thing around. 

 *

I’m sorry for always hiding and concealing you, constantly telling you that you weren’t good enough to be seen.  Oversized t-shirts over my bathing suit at the pool & beach, clothes that were 4 sizes too big for me to hide my body, wearing jeans in the heat of summer, because the less I was seen, the better.  I didn’t realize at the time how hurtful that message was to you – you needed to stay hidden because no one, not even you, wants to see that gross body.  So, I hid and hid, and the body hatred grew deeper. 

*

I’m sorry for holding us back from embracing the moments of life.  From vacations to pool parties to relationships and everything in between.  It was your fault we didn’t go anywhere.  If I could have those perky boobs or a firmer stomach, I would have gone those places, done all those things, developed deeper relationships with others.  I was continuing to blame you for my inability to embrace myself as I am and enjoy life as it comes. 

 *

I’m sorry I was so ashamed of you. 

 *

I’m sorry for thinking that others only see you, my unappealing body, and not the person within.  The value that exists within someone has nothing to do with their body, and you are no exception.  Yet, time and time again, thoughts consumed me that others cared about how you looked, deep insecurities developed that led me to believe that strangers and friends alike were constantly judging you.  Most hurtful though, was that I always felt you needed to look a certain way to receive love and acceptance from others, never once realizing that you didn’t have your own love and acceptance from me. How sad.

 *

I’m sorry for all the fat jokes I told or even the ones I laughed at at your expense.  You aren’t a joking matter, but, as a defense mechanism, I needed to do it before others did it to me.  That sounds like I’m defending my actions, but it was the reality of my situation.  I always needed to laugh at the jokes or tell the jokes so that no one could see how ashamed I was of the body I had.  I know better now. 

 *

I’m sorry I punished you every time I failed at something (especially after each new diet plan and exercise regimen).  I was brutal.  You were a failure.  You couldn’t do anything right.  Never blaming a society that wants me to believe that one solution defines success, I looked to you to take the heat.  I would punish you with more hurtful words, endless days at the gym when I hated everything I was doing, starving myself.  I went to the extremes so I wouldn’t feel like a failure. 

 *

I’m sorry for letting you – my body – this one thing, define who I was, dictate my worth and hold the burden of whether I felt good about myself.  That is too much pressure for one body to carry. 

 *

You, Maura, are so much more than the body that carries your soul.  You are fierce, you are passionate, you are joyful, you are force to be reckoned with, you radiate positivity and light. 

NONE of those things could be found simply by looking at your body. 

* 

It is now the season of life for me to make amends.  I have a lot of time to make up for, I have a lot of hurt to process, but I also have a lot of love and compassion that I need to show upon you, my dear body. 

You are worthy. 

You are acceptable, just as you are.

You have accomplished enough just by existing.

 *

Now, let’s go do all the things we’ve always wanted to do!!  As we do, I promise to embrace every moment, to LET GO and live, to experience the joy in each adventure not worrying about how you look.  I will take the progress day by day on this long journey, and I’m ready for it all!

**

And now, some photos from a session (nipples purposefully blurred for website).