Melissa is someone I’ve known since I was a child, and we reconnected on a deep level when she volunteered to do a live boudoir session in my private Facebook group.  Watching her come alive during that session (and after) has been an amazing thing to witness.  We called that shoot “Untomboy Melissa.”  I wanted her to see a different side of herself, and that she did.  Her transformation since that first boudoir session is too awesome for words.  I was honored to have her as part of the group shoot.

Today, I share with you Melissa’s Souls On Fire story.

I have spent my entire adult life worrying more about others than myself. I went straight from being someone’s daughter & the oldest of 4 children to being a mom, then a wife, then a single mom, then a wife again and having two more children.
My middle child and only daughter is now 20 yrs old. She is on the Autism Spectrum and has intellectual delays. She is very high functioning, it is amazing the progress she has made and continues to make BUT she is still very much like a young child, 7-9 yrs old or younger in most aspects of life. This was not part of the plan! this is NOT the way it was supposed to be, by this point in life with our children ages 17, 20 & 24, we were supposed to be free of caring for them full-time. They were supposed to be independent, fully functioning human beings!

A special needs parents grieves, maybe almost daily but maybe not consciously, for the loss of the expectation they had when planning their family. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter is an amazing person and her innocent unfiltered view if the world is humbling and refreshing and exhausting all at once.

My husband of 20 years is a workaholic, he does not often relax or sit still. While this has always enabled me to be home and available to care for our children and him, it has also enabled me to be in the caretaker RUT of always looking out for everyone but me.
Stay with me, I’m getting to my moment of clarity and the beginning of a spark that started the fire that made me realize I needed to take care of me!

My mom. When I lived at home as a teen we were like oil & water. When at 20 I moved out and had a child of my own we became fast friends! She was my rock, my biggest supporter & adviser. Through wedding/marriage #1, divorce, marriage #2 2 more children she never faltered. When it came to learning of and accepting my daughter’s disabilities she was the BEST! She became my biggest helper & often planned activities to give me a break. I don’t have enough words to describe her. In 2012, I was given the opportunity to work side by side with her in the elementary school cafeteria, a job she had held for more than 10 years at that point. It was awesome getting to work everyday with my best friend.

In 2014, my youngest child became a teenager(march), my oldest child got married(june), my middle turned 16(august), my baby sister (nearly 18 yrs younger) got married(september) and Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to various other places(december). 3 shorts weeks after diagnosis, she was gone. Jan 8, 2015 – my whole world STOPPED.

Becoming a motherless daughter changed my view of the world and myself. Adjusting to the new normal of reality was/is a SLOW and painful process.

Shortly after Mom’s death my brother & his wife announced they were expecting their first child and just a few months after that my son & his wife did the same. I was going to be a grandmother!!! (and an aunt) These events in 2014 and early 2015 gave me the push, started the spark, it was time to take care of me!! Life is too short! and even if you are taking care of everyone around you, you must find time to take care of, appreciate and be just YOU!

Megan and I have shared so much together since her first session with me a few years ago.  She’s an amazing woman who has inspired me on a daily basis.  Through many tears and smiles we’ve grown closer as life has thrown it’s challenges our way.  I admire her outlook on life, the way she wants to help others, and the fortitude and tenacity I see in her.  Boudoir brought us together, but a deeper connection keeps our friendship going.  When Megan came over for the pre-group shoot meeting, she shared with everyone what was going on in her life.  After everyone left, she stayed for over an hour and we just cried together.  I listened to her, told her that what she was feeling is valid, and let her know that I was always here for her.  And, that’s true for most people in my life – I want to be the person you can count on to always listen to you!

Here’s what she had to say about the group shoot:

I got engaged to someone I’d been with for 3 years, we were engaged for a year approaching the wedding & being together for 4 years. We had a house together, the stresses of planning a wedding, other expenses & not being liked by his immediate family took a toll on our relationship. 6 weeks before the wedding, he called the whole thing off. Of course not before his mother called me every name under the sun, a manipulator, a bitch, whore, that her son had never been happy & she was so glad he finally stood up for himself to kick my ass to the curb.. you name it, it was said to me, all while her son sat there letting her say all the nasty things to me.

Fast forward 6 months, when I finally felt like I was getting my life back on track, dating again, started renting my townhouse, he reaches back out to me to talk. Saying calling off the wedding & breaking up with me was the worse mistake he made. He tried moving on, but was miserable without me, can he have a second chance. When you picture yourself marrying someone, it’s hard not to continue to have that picture in your head & feelings in your heart. I agreed to giving him a second chance, but really wanted him & I to work on things. Fast forward another 6 months & he again, out of the blue says we should go separate ways. True blessing in disguise, as if the first time wasn’t, as hard as it maybe to see it that way sometimes.

I poured myself into my job & family. Started traveling for work, until I got the horrible news that my mom had throat & tongue cancer. She had surgery a year ago to remove 2/3 of her tongue & the mass in her throat. She made it through surgery, she had a tracheotomy & was given a feeding tube, until she could regain strength in her throat & tongue. Seeing my mom go through surgery was hard enough, then came radiation daily & chemo every Tuesday. I took her every morning January-end of February for radiation, then went to work for the day, followed by taking care of her at night while my dad was at work. It was a rough couple of months to say the least. She made it through treatments, for her trachea taken out, she was so strong!! She was in remission, finally felt like her battle was won!! Felt like we were on the upswing, she was speaking again, getting out of the house, felt like I was starting to have my pre-surgery mom again.

Then came a routine follow up doctors appointment, in April, doctor felt a mass on the opposite side of her throat. Scheduled a scan, scan showed masses in the opposite side of her throat as well as now in her hip. Cancer again. We made a plan for treatment, June 8th she was scheduled for a different, strong type of chemo. From mid April to June I could see it starting to weaken her. During this diagnosis time, I again had started to travel for work. Which I felt so guilty for, she assured me it was fine, to not feel guilty. June 4th, I left Pittsburgh to drive to Mooresville, NC. By the time I got there, 6.5 hours, I found out that routine bloodwork had shown that some levels were out of wack, she was asked to come into the hospital for some injections & overnight observation. Felt horrible for leaving, but also knew she was in the right place, she’d be safe in the hospital. Texted her that night checking in with her, she told me she was fine, not to worry & she loves me & she’d see me Friday. That night, 11:45 pm, she went into cardiac arrest. She was without oxygen for 12 minutes.

I got the phone call Tuesday, to figure out how to get home, my work was amazing they arranged my flight, took me to the airport & got me home ASAP. Again seeing my mom in the ICU, this time unresponsive, on a ventilator, was devastating. Doctors had continued to run tests for brain activity & to see if the seizures from the 12 minutes without oxygen had caused. Three days spent in the hospital ICU, no improvement still no activity, still having seizures, still unresponsive. We knew there was a decision to be made. She passed, June 8th. Hardest decision ever. It sucked & still sucks now.

I wanted to share what “Souls on Fire” means to me.

I’m burning past relationships. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am blemished & I am stubborn, but I am ME! I am strong. I am single. I deserve the best. It’s time for ME to finally come first!!

After almost a year of watching my hero & mentor, my mom, battle, suffer & loose her fight with cancer, I am burning the regret & sorrow over the lost time, remembering more of the better times. In addition, getting rid of the helplessness feeling that cancer makes all feel, knowing that unlike her, when I was sick, I couldn’t take away or heal her sickness. However in dealing with this, I know I am strong. I am courageous. I am my mother’s daughter. I am unstoppable. I am Megan Marie Baker!!