Megan and I have shared so much together since her first session with me a few years ago.  She’s an amazing woman who has inspired me on a daily basis.  Through many tears and smiles we’ve grown closer as life has thrown it’s challenges our way.  I admire her outlook on life, the way she wants to help others, and the fortitude and tenacity I see in her.  Boudoir brought us together, but a deeper connection keeps our friendship going.  When Megan came over for the pre-group shoot meeting, she shared with everyone what was going on in her life.  After everyone left, she stayed for over an hour and we just cried together.  I listened to her, told her that what she was feeling is valid, and let her know that I was always here for her.  And, that’s true for most people in my life – I want to be the person you can count on to always listen to you!

Here’s what she had to say about the group shoot:

I got engaged to someone I’d been with for 3 years, we were engaged for a year approaching the wedding & being together for 4 years. We had a house together, the stresses of planning a wedding, other expenses & not being liked by his immediate family took a toll on our relationship. 6 weeks before the wedding, he called the whole thing off. Of course not before his mother called me every name under the sun, a manipulator, a bitch, whore, that her son had never been happy & she was so glad he finally stood up for himself to kick my ass to the curb.. you name it, it was said to me, all while her son sat there letting her say all the nasty things to me.

Fast forward 6 months, when I finally felt like I was getting my life back on track, dating again, started renting my townhouse, he reaches back out to me to talk. Saying calling off the wedding & breaking up with me was the worse mistake he made. He tried moving on, but was miserable without me, can he have a second chance. When you picture yourself marrying someone, it’s hard not to continue to have that picture in your head & feelings in your heart. I agreed to giving him a second chance, but really wanted him & I to work on things. Fast forward another 6 months & he again, out of the blue says we should go separate ways. True blessing in disguise, as if the first time wasn’t, as hard as it maybe to see it that way sometimes.

I poured myself into my job & family. Started traveling for work, until I got the horrible news that my mom had throat & tongue cancer. She had surgery a year ago to remove 2/3 of her tongue & the mass in her throat. She made it through surgery, she had a tracheotomy & was given a feeding tube, until she could regain strength in her throat & tongue. Seeing my mom go through surgery was hard enough, then came radiation daily & chemo every Tuesday. I took her every morning January-end of February for radiation, then went to work for the day, followed by taking care of her at night while my dad was at work. It was a rough couple of months to say the least. She made it through treatments, for her trachea taken out, she was so strong!! She was in remission, finally felt like her battle was won!! Felt like we were on the upswing, she was speaking again, getting out of the house, felt like I was starting to have my pre-surgery mom again.

Then came a routine follow up doctors appointment, in April, doctor felt a mass on the opposite side of her throat. Scheduled a scan, scan showed masses in the opposite side of her throat as well as now in her hip. Cancer again. We made a plan for treatment, June 8th she was scheduled for a different, strong type of chemo. From mid April to June I could see it starting to weaken her. During this diagnosis time, I again had started to travel for work. Which I felt so guilty for, she assured me it was fine, to not feel guilty. June 4th, I left Pittsburgh to drive to Mooresville, NC. By the time I got there, 6.5 hours, I found out that routine bloodwork had shown that some levels were out of wack, she was asked to come into the hospital for some injections & overnight observation. Felt horrible for leaving, but also knew she was in the right place, she’d be safe in the hospital. Texted her that night checking in with her, she told me she was fine, not to worry & she loves me & she’d see me Friday. That night, 11:45 pm, she went into cardiac arrest. She was without oxygen for 12 minutes.

I got the phone call Tuesday, to figure out how to get home, my work was amazing they arranged my flight, took me to the airport & got me home ASAP. Again seeing my mom in the ICU, this time unresponsive, on a ventilator, was devastating. Doctors had continued to run tests for brain activity & to see if the seizures from the 12 minutes without oxygen had caused. Three days spent in the hospital ICU, no improvement still no activity, still having seizures, still unresponsive. We knew there was a decision to be made. She passed, June 8th. Hardest decision ever. It sucked & still sucks now.

I wanted to share what “Souls on Fire” means to me.

I’m burning past relationships. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am blemished & I am stubborn, but I am ME! I am strong. I am single. I deserve the best. It’s time for ME to finally come first!!

After almost a year of watching my hero & mentor, my mom, battle, suffer & loose her fight with cancer, I am burning the regret & sorrow over the lost time, remembering more of the better times. In addition, getting rid of the helplessness feeling that cancer makes all feel, knowing that unlike her, when I was sick, I couldn’t take away or heal her sickness. However in dealing with this, I know I am strong. I am courageous. I am my mother’s daughter. I am unstoppable. I am Megan Marie Baker!!

Stephanie is a woman who gives her all to everything.  Her boudoir session with me is one that I will remember forever.  When she arrived for her shoot, I could immediately tell something was wrong.  At that moment, I knew my job wasn’t as her photographer – it was to be a friend with a listening ear.  I wanted to be sure she knew that she was seen and heard.  I knew the shoot was going to be awesome for her – a time just to release everything and focus on herself.  But, first, I knew I needed to get the bottom of what she was feeling.  I was so glad that she could open up to me.

The same thing happened when she came back for her viewing.  The photos became secondary and we talked about what she was struggling with.  My only priority is my clients, and I hope that Stephanie knows I will always be here to love and support her.

Why did I choose her for this group session?  She’s a phoenix rising from the ashes.  I knew she could benefit from standing with other women who could support her in times of trouble.  She can rely on others to lift her up when she feels down.  She needed this.

Read below to hear what she had to say about the group session!

“Soul on fire”….
My story is not an easy one to tell. I spent most of my adult life in abusive relationships. My daughters father was the first after leaving him when my daughter was only 13 months old I found myself a broken single mother trying to be the best I could be to show my daughter how to be strong. When my daughter was 6 years old she was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Undetermined Mood Disorder. I spent many years fighting and being her advocate so she could receive the treatment she needed. Through therapy she started doing better and eventually life seemed to go back to normal until 2 years ago when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She only had to fight her battle for a short 16 days but it definitely took a toll on my daughter.

My mom was her best friend. Since that day Alexis started to have issues and over the past two years her aggression has become much worse. For whatever reason she blames me for most of her troubles. A few months ago she decided she wanted to live with her father. She started fighting with me daily calling me names and telling me to kill myself and even calling CYS and accusing me of abusing her. I decided to allow her to go to her father’s for my own sanity. Since then things have gotten worse. I know that my daughter is not safe but she refused to come home.

 I have suffered for a very long time blaming myself for what’s happening. Thinking that I was a terrible mom and now blaming myself for not protecting her even though most of the time I have no idea what’s going on in her life.
I am using “Soul on Fire” as my starting point, my fresh start. I am a good hearted person, I care about everyone, I put others before myself and I am learning that it is okay to take care of me. I pour all my love into everyone, my family (who by the way no longer speaks to me), men who treat me like garbage, my friends who are never there, my daughter and anyone else that crosses my path. I am learning to take some of that energy I give to so many people and use it on myself.

Everytime I look at the photos from our “Soul on Fire” shoot I’ll remind myself that it’s ok to take time for me. That it’s okay to love me because who’s going to do it the way I can.

Twice a year I have a group photo session with some remarkable women that I’ve had the pleasure of working with during their individual boudoir sessions.  Each session has a theme that I want to evoke, and as I was thinking about what I wanted to call this second group shoot of the year, I immediately came up with…

Souls On Fire 

What does that mean?  Quite simply, we’re burning the past, turning away from the negative things we’ve said and done – to ourselves and others – walking away from the woman we pretend to be, the woman who puts herself last, the woman who can’t see her real self – burning fire to that person … and stepping in, confidently, to this new woman.

A woman who is strong and brave and powerful.  A woman who can confidently proclaim who she is, a woman who knows that the past is the past – it doesn’t define who she is.  Each day she gets to decide who she wants to be, and doesn’t need anyone else’s approval to do so.  She makes a choice to be her true unique self and let that woman shine each and every day.  Knowing that she chooses HERSELF above all others and gives herself permission to be unapologetic about who she is!

As I’ve been working with women all these years, I see a trend.  It appears that we are holding ourselves prisoner to the past, we have guilt and shame about the things we’ve done, we hate ourselves for what we’ve said to ourselves, how we’ve treated ourselves throughout the years, the neglect that we’ve shown to the person that should matter the most.  All the things that have happened to us, what we’ve watched go on in the world around us, the hard things that life likes to throw our way.  None of it matters at this moment.  You can forgive yourself, walk away from your past and become this confident woman who is just waiting to come out and shine.

We’re all on the same journey, a path we’re walking down together.  We’ve all done these things, said what we said, didn’t feel good enough, struggle daily to love yourself as you are, constantly negative talk yourself, always thinking we need to change ourselves to be loved and accepted, stifling yourself for fear of being rejected, never seeing the beauty that each of us carries inside.  These 5 women, with fiery souls, came together to show you that the journey is shared between us all – we support each other and lift one other up.  There is power in this kind of support.  You see that you aren’t alone, that you can face down your fear, that you can challenge your status quo, and – most importantly – see that when you are supported by other women, it makes the journey and change you wish to make much easier to deal with.    

As we walked through this shoot, I told them to imagine they are leaving a trail of fire behind them, burning who they once were, and stepping into their power.  We ALL have this power inside us.  This power that helps us stand up and say that we are enough just as we are in this moment.  Never, ever, sacrificing who we are for another person.  Never needing anyone else’s approval, as someone else’s opinion of your life and your decisions holds no barring on you.  Others don’t know what happens behind the doors, behind the facade that you put up so they think all is OK, when you say you’re fine but you really aren’t, when no one is around, when no one is looking behind the mirror.  There’s only one person you need approval from – YOU!

We’re all working on finding ourselves.  We’ve hid for so long that we sometimes feel like we don’t know who we truly are anymore.  We have all those roles in life (wife, mother, daughter, sister, entrepreneur, career woman, etc) that we get lost, and we always seem to forget that the deepest relationship you have – the person we need to know the most – is you.   Most of the times we have an idea of how our life is supposed to be, and resentment, anger and disappointment set in when life doesn’t conform to your ideal.  When you are looking around at all the places you *think* your life should be, all the achievements you should have, or at all the material possessions you wish you had, you miss what is right in front of you, waiting for you!!!!  Let go of those expectations and live the life you have.  It’s the only one you’ve got, so make it the best.

These women are standing up for you! Giving you a voice, being a spokesperson for those of you that don’t think you have a voice.  I encourage you today, and every day, to stand strong and confident in the woman you are.  Be true to yourself.  Go after everything you want.  Know that you are worthy.  Stare fear in the face.  Believe you are bigger than your self doubt.  Battle for what you know is right.  Follow your soul’s calling.  Show the world that you can be and do anything you want.  Most importantly….

Be A Soul On Fire!

Throughout the next few weeks I will be doing a blog feature on each of these fabulous women.  Those posts will contain their individual photos from our group session and they will share in their own words what this means to them.

If you’d like to join my boudoir and self love group, click here.