I was speaking with a client recently who had shared with me that she’d been fad dieting since she was 10. I was reflecting about my own journey as well (my first SlimFast drink at age 11), and I sat down after her photo shoot and wrote this.

**

I see you.

Wanting to love yourself but can’t let go of what you should look like.

Going on another diet hoping this time it’s the one that will work.

Trying a new exercise program thinking this is the secret.  

You are convinced this time will be – must be – different but the doubt always creeps in.

Wondering if you’ll ever succeed, you’ll ever be happy, you’ll ever “get there.” 

But where is “there?”  

The finish line never seems to approach, so you let the shame, hurt and disappointment in yourself take over once again.

It’s a simple wish – to be comfortable in your own skin.  

Depriving yourself of life’s joy by not participating in the things you want, by focusing on something insignificant. 

Restricting yourself constantly, worried about what you ate, calories burned.

Do this, don’t do that.

Eat this, don’t eat that.

Constantly consumed with thoughts of food.

Constantly consumed with negative thoughts aimed at the failure you see in yourself.

Because you fail.

Every time.

And, it’s always your fault.  

Desperately wanting to “get it together” or “this time with be different”

“Why can’t you do this?”

You keep trying – one more diet, one more exercise routine, this procedure, that food – it might be the one thing.

But one thought prevails – when does it end?

Could, just for once, you look like the girls in the magazines.

Could you just have the body of your friends. 

Seeing the success of others, only increasing the disgust you feel because you can’t do it.

The comparison never ends, neither does your failure.

So, you look to the past, trying to find answers and resolution.

Now looking at yourself with kinder eyes.

Wishing you could go back in time and love yourself just the way you were.

Wondering if it would have been possible to stop this madness that you hope doesn’t last your whole life.

Wondering, when or if, it will ever be enough.

Whether you will ever be enough.

You miss the you that didn’t care about this stuff.

The you that could peacefully exist.  

The you that lived life without worry about what others think.

The you that danced in the rain, the you that ran around the yard, the you that wore whatever she wanted, the you that happily jumped in the water any time she could.  

The you that lived freely.  

Is that person still within?

But what if the only way to feel good about yourself, your body, the way you look is to change how you think.

Loving yourself and accepting your body, doesn’t mean you always need to change your body or the way you look. 

You have a choice to say that right here and now it ends. 

There is a more peaceful way to exist.  

Your feelings about yourself should never be tied to the way you look. 

This is what society wants us to believe, they want us to feel badly so they can sell us fixes to all our problems

Stop beating yourself up because you gained weight.

Stop beating yourself up when a new wrinkle appears.

Stop berating your body when your clothes don’t fit anymore.

Stop

Just stop.

Just stop.

BREATHE.

Your body is not wrong

It never was. 

**

PS – I always have to preface these kind of posts by saying that I don’t care what you do with your body.  You have body autonomy to do what you wish.  Your body is insignificant to me, it’s the least interesting thing about you – I like to focus on what makes you YOU, and that has nothing to do with how your body looks.  <3 

**

A note about rejection.

I was speaking with a client during her session recently and she shared with me how much she has been rejected as of late, particularly by romantic partners.

She was doing boudoir so that she can see and celebrate herself since she’s been so weighed down by this rejection.

She was talking about how devastating it is to be rejected so many times and how much it hurts her. How she feels like something is wrong with her.  How nothing ever works out.  I then said, “Do you feel like this rejection confirms all the negative thoughts you have about yourself?”  She answered, “Yes.”

Never missing a chance to coach during my sessions, I had to share something with her.

You have to stop looking at rejection as a personal rejection. You have to stop internalizing it.

They didn’t reject YOU, they rejected a relationship.

When you internalize the rejection and you think something is wrong with you, you can sometimes start to want to change who you are to be accepted by another. That change could be physical, emotional, mentally. You can start to pretend to be someone different, say you like things you don’t, etc. And when you do that it pushes you further away from your authentic self.

People will never see the real you because you will do anything to avoid that rejection. You will play the game and be what they want you to be, not who you are.

When you internalize the rejection, you live or die by another’s acceptance of you.

You should only be looking to yourself for acceptance.

Again, they didn’t reject YOU, they rejected the relationship.

Looking at it this way allows you to remove yourself from the rejection. You don’t internalize it as much when you realize that they rejected someTHING not someONE.

I saw a shift in her in that moment as a light bulb went off.  In my space, women open up to me, share super vulnerable things, they let me in.  It’s not enough for me to just take their photos, I am there to listen to them, support them, guide them.  This is more than “JUST” boudoir photos.  This is why getting my self love life coach certification was so important to me.  I use it in almost every session!

Your body is at the mercy of your mind.  You’ve, I’m sure, heard the famous quote that goes something like this “Your body isn’t the problem.  What you think about your body is the problem.”

And, it’s true.  Your mind is bullying your body and you are the only one that can put a stop to it.

Whenever something happens in my life, my body immediately takes the brunt of my hurt, anger and pain.  I take it all out on my body, as if my body is the cause of all my problems.  That if I didn’t look the way I did that what I am experiencing, what I am feeling, what I am dealing with would not exist.  This is the biggest lie I tell myself.  I imagine most women do this.

Recently, I was trying to handle some HVAC issues at the studio and I found myself saying things like, “Gosh you are so gross. You need to lose some weight.  Stop eating all that nasty food.”

What did I think?  That if my body changed, I would have had HVAC problems.  They would exist regardless of what I looked like.  The anger I felt would be there regardless.  Why couldn’t I just deal with the emotions I was feeling instead of bullying my body?  The emotions will always come and go, and my body shouldn’t bare the weight of everything in life.

Knowing that this behavior is no longer a typical for me (it once was), I stopped and questioned why I was saying such things.  Knowing that my body hadn’t changed recently, so there was nothing physical that had actually happened that would trigger this kind of response, I knew it was an emotional response.  To deal with my emotions, I was taking it out on my body.

Ever have a bad day and you yell at someone that had nothing to do with your bad day?  That’s what I was doing, just to myself, my body, not another person.

What a terrible trend.  I realized that a new goal needed to exist within my life.

That goal is that my body and mind need to peacefully coexist.

That goal means that when someone happens in my life or when I’m feeling heavy emotions, that I don’t immediately blame my body.  They peacefully coexist.

When I was younger and my sisters and I would fight, my mother would inevitably have to jump in to get us to stop.

Her response to us was always, “You don’ have to like each other right now but you do need to respect each other.”

That’s how we should be looking at the relationship with our body.

You don’t have to like it.  Love it?  Not necessary.

But, peacefully coexistence where the mind doesn’t attack the body when something goes wrong.